Pieces of Me Read online

  She licked the salt water from her lips and I watched, envy burning in my blood, wishing it was my tongue tasting that salt, that mouth. I was almost vibrating, my head was light. This woman made me high. She was like the perfect wave, giving me the perfect rush.

  ‘Oh sorry,’ Hannah said, snapping me out of my daze. She wiped the hair from her face and took a step backwards. My surfboard was bunting against the shoreline, forgotten. ‘I’m wasting your time, aren’t I?’

  I shook my head. Where does she get these strange ideas? ‘That’s fine … I don’t … I want you to enjoy yourself.’

  She grinned sheepishly. Couldn’t hold my gaze.

  ‘Do you want to give it another try?’ I asked.

  She glanced up the colourless sky, the moon now illuminated. ‘It’s getting dark.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said and I stamped over the waves to pick up my board.

  Hannah bent to untie the leg rope and held it out for me.

  ‘Thanks.’

  We walked back up the now empty beach. We were the only two.

  ‘I had so much fun. Thank you,’ she said.

  I grinned. ‘Any time you want to do it again, I’ll be here.’

  She stopped and looked at me. ‘That’s … nice of you, Bear.’

  Our drive home was in silence. I didn’t know what happened back there at the beach. One minute Hannah was all smiles and exhilaration, then as soon as she realised her inner light was shining enough for others to see, she snuffed it out. Such a shame. Her inner light was beautiful.

  I dropped Hannah at her house and waited for her to go inside before I left for home. Not that there was much crime in Mercy Island. Just a force of habit, I guess. After I washed down my board and stowed it under the house, I shook the sand off my board shorts and went inside.

  Bec, my little sister, was on me as soon as I stepped through the front door. Her hands were on her hips, a teasing smile on her lips.

  ‘I heard you were surfing with a girl today,’ she said in a sing-song voice, her long brown hair pulled back into a high pony tail.

  I grinned and shook my head. ‘And who told you this?’

  ‘Jenny’s brother. He was surfing. Said he saw you there.’

  I shut and locked the door behind me. ‘He did, did he? And what of it?’

  She grinned. ‘He said you looked very cosy together.’

  ‘Well, you can tell Jenny’s brother to mind his own business next time.’ I started up the hall, so I could take a shower before dinner.

  ‘Who is she?’ asked Bec.

  I spun to face her. She was pacing after me, one hand on her hip, the other twisting her hair. ‘Just a girl. She’s new to Mercy Island. Doesn’t know anyone in town yet. I’m helping her with some repairs on her house.’

  Bec laughed. ‘Sure you are.’

  I shook my head, grinned and started for the bathroom again, but the smile fell from Bec’s face and seeing that sudden seriousness stopped me.

  ‘I don’t mind if you do like her,’ she said.

  ‘Thank you, but I don’t. She’s just a …’ Friend? Client? ‘Girl I’m helping out.’

  ‘You don’t have to do this all the time, Bear.’

  I shrugged. ‘Do what?’

  ‘I don’t want you to think you can’t have a relationship because of me. I’m a big girl now—nearly eighteen. I can take care of myself.’

  I took a step forward. ‘I know that, Bec. I barely know this girl. And, besides, I’m not looking for a relationship.’

  Bec’s eyes became glassy. It struck me right in the heart. ‘Hey, hey, hey,’ I said. ‘What’s up?’

  She shook her head and tried to smile, but a tear fell down her cheek. ‘Just don’t put your life on hold for me.’

  ‘You are my life. Always. No matter where I am, and no matter where you are. You hear me?’

  She nodded and strained a smile. ‘All I’m saying is if you like this girl, don’t hold back because of me.’

  I pressed my fingers to my temples and took a deep breath. ‘I won’t.’

  ‘I’m heading away for university next month anyway, so I won’t be in your hair—’

  ‘Is that what this is about? University?’ Bec had been accepted to study in Townsville. She was leaving next month.

  She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

  ‘You still want to go, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course,’ she said.

  ‘Then what is it?’

  She tensed a smile. ‘It would just be nice to see you with someone … in a relationship.’

  ‘One day you will. I’m sorry Jenny’s brother got your hopes up, but just because I’m seen surfing with someone doesn’t mean I’m about to get down on my knee and ask them to marry me.’

  She giggled and the tightness in my chest loosened. ‘I know that. I guess I was hoping, that’s all.’

  ‘Am I right to go have a shower?’

  She giggled again and nodded. ‘I suppose you’re allowed.’

  I laughed. ‘Good.’ Halfway up the hall I yelled back to her. ‘By the way, what are we having for dinner?’

  ‘Whatever you feel like cooking,’ she said.

  ‘Takeaway?’

  ‘Sounds good to me.’

  Chapter 9

  Hannah

  No wonder I’ve never seen a fat surfer. I was exhausted and my muscles were already sore. All I wanted to do after I had dinner was curl up on the couch and watch TV until my eyes would no longer stay open.

  So that’s what I was doing, resting back in my arm chair with the television on softly in the background of my thoughts. Penny was sleeping at my feet, her breathing easy. A cool sea-breeze blew in, waving the curtains every now and then.

  What an amazing afternoon. I had actually surfed. I didn’t know what had come over me. I was exhilarated. Wasn’t myself. Or perhaps I was myself. More than I had been in a very long time.

  It was like the first day when Bear drove past me and I could do nothing but smile at him, as though consciousness had not one say in how my body reacted. Was it Bear? My new found freedom? Or was it this place with its briny scent, chirping birds and lazy atmosphere? Or that ocean, holding me in its endless arms and telling me I was safe again to be me?

  Grandma had nailed it with that bucket list. So far, I’d checked off two of her items without a second thought. Each item was a little permission to live. A little permission to enjoy living.

  I groaned as I stood and walked like an old lady to the kitchen, my leg muscles aching. I grabbed Grandma’s bucket list and diary from the fridge, along with a loose sheet of paper and a pen. If I was dedicated to finding myself again, if I was committed to the reason I left my life, boyfriend, office, and family in Melbourne and moved to Mercy Island, I needed my own permissions to live. Personalised ones. Items suited to my dreams, wants and needs. I needed to write my own bucket list.

  I sat back in the lounge, Penny raising her head as I did, but then falling back to slumber. I leant over to pat her head, but my stomach muscles groaned and I stopped. I’d found muscles I never even knew I had.

  I placed Grandma’s list on top of the diary and put them on the thick arm rest. I was going to borrow a few of her items, though. Strangely enough, Grandma’s first four points were pertinent. So I started with those, writing them out onto the paper.

  I will not cry another tear over Allister!

  I will not feel guilt over him ever again!

  I re-read number two and shook my head. I wasn’t guilty over Allister. What I held was regret and so much shame for staying with him for six years of my life, for letting him treat me the way he did, for allowing him to steal away my authenticity and sense of self.

  I revised it.

  2.I will not feel guilt over him ever again!

  2.I will take all the pieces of me back from him!

  That was more like it. I would take all those pieces of me he snatched away, even if it took me a lifetime to find them again.


  Take a deep breath in, as though it’s my first, and START LIVING MY LIFE

  I smiled as I looked at my list so far. Yes. I liked that.

  I read the next items on Grandma’s list. Quitting smoking was irrelevant, but all the others were perfect, so I wrote them down with a few adjustments.

  Find reasons to laugh so hard that I cry tears of joy

  Buy and wear sexy, red lace lingerie

  Go shopping for a brightly coloured tight-fitting dress and wear it to dinner out

  Dye my hair blonde

  Grow my hair long

  Wear a bikini on the beach

  Wear bright pink any coloured lipstick all the time whenever I want

  Being blonde like Grandma wanted didn’t interest me, another exciting colour did. But I was leaving that open and would decide on a colour when the time came.

  I had flutters in my tummy as I read number nine. I had never even attempted to shop for a bikini, let alone wear one out in public. That one was going to take some courage. My body was not a bikini body. I had big boobs as well as hips. My stomach was not flat. There was no gap between these thighs unless I stood with my legs apart. But I left number nine in, because allowing suppressive fashion standards dictate how I should live was as bad as letting Allister continue to do so.

  I read the remainder of Grandma’s list and flipped it over. I needed to embrace my own needs. I chewed on the tip of my pen and thought about all the things I’d missed out on by being tied to Allister, and all the things I wanted during that time. I clicked my tongue and rolled my eyes. Enjoy the one and only prom night I’d ever get. Attend my school break-up party. Celebrate my twenty-first with friends and family.

  I breathed in deeply and sighed. I had to accept that there were some things I wasn’t going to be able to get back, ever. But life goes on, and that’s what I needed to do.

  So what did I want to do from this point onwards?

  Buy a surfboard and learn to surf well

  Share a first kiss with someone sweet

  Write a book and submit it to a publisher

  Get a tattoo

  Have sex in a public space

  Did I just write that, as if I could actually have sex in the open somewhere? I crossed it out.

  15.Have sex in a public space

  I hesitated, my pen floating above the paper. Was it something I’d like to do? Yes. It was. The thought thrilled me. I wrote it back in with determined strokes.

  15. Have sex in a public space

  And while I was being brave, I was joining Grandma on this next one too.

  16. Have a one-night stand

  Well not joining her exactly. That would be … sick. And impossible … Oh god. Could I seriously have a one-night stand? I had only ever slept with one man before. I had only ever kissed one man. What would it be like to feel my lips pressed to someone else’s? To have another man’s hard body against me … inside me?

  I thought of Bear’s chest with the cold sea water dripping down his body. I imagined his lips, long and full, pressed to mine, of running my hands through his dark hair and down his stubbled face. I traced my finger across my bottom lip, believing it was his lips. My breaths were heavy, my chest rising and falling. I wiggled in my chair and cleared my throat. Um … yes, it seemed my body was more than willing. My head, however …

  Adopt a cat

  I looked down at Penny. She would go crazy over a cat. I’d never be able to have her inside again, so that one would have to go.

  17. Adopt a cat

  17. Make my new house a comfortable home

  18. Do something philanthropic every year

  19. Learn to meditate

  20. Fall in love

  I smiled as I looked over my list. These were definitely things I wanted to do in the near future. But my eyes were stinging from being swamped with salty sea water all afternoon and I couldn’t stop the yawns that made my eyes water. I closed them and relaxed for a moment.

  I set my list aside and groaned as I got to my feet. This was going to have to wait. I needed rest.

  After a shower, I jumped into bed and turned out the light. I laid back against my pillow ready for sleep, when my mobile buzzed with a message. I jolted, causing my aching muscles to tense painfully. I grabbed my phone off my nightstand and read the screen. A message from Bear.

  Bear: How are you feeling?

  Me: I’m painfully aware of muscles I never knew I had.

  Bear: I should’ve mentioned to have a good stretch.

  Me: Not sure it would’ve helped.

  Bear: You’ll get used to it.

  Me: I plan to.

  Bear: Good to hear that. See you bright and early tomorrow.

  Me: Yep. Goodnight.

  Bear: Goodnight.

  I placed the mobile back on the table and closed my eyes. Bear’s was a nice face to be thinking about as I drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter 10

  Bear

  I painted the first undercoat on the ceiling and walls in the main bedroom. The room was coming along nicely. With this heat and breeze, the paint would dry quickly and I should be able to get the first coloured coat on this afternoon. By tomorrow afternoon Hannah would be able to shift back in here.

  We had run through plans for what she wanted done with the remaining rooms over coffee this morning. When completed, the house would look great. I’d draw some quotes up tonight so she could decide if she wanted to go ahead with them, or perhaps hire someone out of town if the prices weren’t agreeable.

  Johnno’s business was small. We didn’t have access to the bulk buying power the large mainland franchise builders had. We could never compete with them, but Johnno never wanted to anyway. He recognised and valued our differences. We had the ability to offer personalised service and a high quality product, even if it did cost a little more. The bigger building companies use under-skilled apprentices to cut down on their expenses even further, which costs the client more in the long run. Johnno would never go for that. He was all about quality. And, after working for him for so long, I felt the same.

  I carried a tray full of wet rollers and brushes to wash out the front as I waited for the undercoat to dry. Heading through the lounge, the breeze blew in the open front door, cooling me. That was the great thing about Mercy Island, no matter how hot the weather, one could always rely on the sea breeze. A piece of paper fluttered off the lounge onto the floor in front of me. I couldn’t pull up in time and stepped square onto it with my boot.

  ‘Damn it.’

  I balanced the tray of rollers in one hand, bent and picked it up. Glancing at the page, I noticed the heading: Hannah’s Bucket List—27 January 2015.

  I also saw the outline of my giant footprint. I wasn’t prying, wasn’t intending to read further, but a point on the list smacked me in the forehead.

  15. Have sex in a public space

  And of course, I imagined that … her. Hannah with me on the beach. Her hot, naked body under me, those big breasts pressing against my chest. My temporary brain had liked that little daydream and had awoken. Aggressively awoken. This was not a predicament I wanted to be caught in—standing in a client’s lounge room, her personal notes in my hand, with a raging hard-on.

  I looked down at the list again, my big boofhead footprint unmistakable in the centre. I was going to have to tell her it had blown in front of me. I spun around and stomped through to the kitchen. I placed the list on the bench and put a sugar bowl on top so it wouldn’t blow away. But as I did, I read another item.

  16. Have a one-night stand

  Oh, man. Bear, look away. I marched back through the lounge and out the front door. I turned on the tap beside the stairs and hosed out the trays, trying to ignore the images that last point had conjured.

  One-night stand? Why a one-night stand? And with whom? Had she worked that out? Was there someone in town she had her eye on? My stomach squeezed and my chest tightened. Some friends’ faces came to mind. Friends that
had no issue whatsoever with one-night stands. My jaw clenched, heart beat a little faster. If they touched her, used her like that, I’d kill them.

  I stood up straighter, squeezed my eyes shut and took a few deep breaths. Calm the hell down, Bear. You don’t own her. She’s not your girlfriend.

  ‘Fuck,’ I mumbled.

  ‘You okay?’ came Hannah’s voice from behind.

  I jolted and sprayed water up the side of the house. I turned off the tap and spun to face her, heart vibrating. ‘Yeah. Fine. Christ, you scared me.’

  She grinned wide and lowered her gaze to the hose in my hand. I was lost in her smile, in that pale pink lipstick. Then I realised what she was grinning at. The way I was holding the hose in front of me made it look very much like a big, long … I threw it to the ground and suppressed a groan.

  ‘Sorry. I thought you’d heard me,’ she said

  I shook my head. ‘I was deep in thought.’

  Hannah smiled and started her way up the stairs, but I called her back. She stopped and looked at me.

  ‘I … your … um. Well, it blew in front of me … I stepped on it. I didn’t read it. I read some of it …’

  Her brows lowered. ‘What are you talking about?’

  I sighed. ‘Your bucket list.’

  She gasped and threw a hand over her mouth. The sound scared Penny and she jumped up, but Hannah gave her no heed.

  ‘It blew onto the floor and I tried to stop, but stepped straight on it. I’ve left a big footprint—’

  Her cheeks were flushing bright red. She removed her hand from her mouth. Her eyes were glistening and my stomach was churning. ‘You read my list?’ she asked, voice strangled.

  I shook my head. ‘I looked to see that I hadn’t destroyed it, saw what it was, and put it up so it wouldn’t blow away again. I mean, I accidentally saw one or two items, but I didn’t take notice.’

  Her breaths were heavy, her face still glowing bright red. She tried to force a smile, but it came out all wrong, weird and trembling. ‘I’m so embarrassed.’

  I stepped closer. ‘Don’t be embarrassed. Please. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.’

  Tears appeared and my heart wrenched.

  ‘It was just a spur of the moment thing. A joke,’ she said wiping at her cheeks.