Pieces of Me Read online

  I shrugged. ‘Years of practice.’

  She smiled. ‘I realised I never thanked you for your support yesterday.’

  I shook my head. ‘It was nothing. I was a bystander.’

  She padded closer and looked up at me with those blue eyes that seemed to invade my skull. ‘No. It wasn’t nothing, Bear. I am so thankful for everything.’

  I could smell her. Honey and almonds. And feel her warmth stretching across the space and permeating my body. I swallowed past my tight throat. ‘Happy to help.’

  She nodded. ‘You’ve been so good to me ever since I arrived. And patient. I’ve never known anyone like you before.’

  Aw hell. I was never good with this sort of thing. I am what I am. I tugged my fingers through my hair unable to stop looking at those lips. Damn sexy lips. They were like a drug, needling inside my veins and sparking an endless desire to taste them. A step closer.

  I needed to touch her. Anyhow. Anyway. My fingertips pressed to her cheek and trailed down her warm, soft skin. Who would ever want to hurt this beautiful face? She didn’t move away, instead gave a long blink, her breaths deepening. I dragged my thumb over that pouted bottom lip. Couldn’t have stopped myself if I tried. The way she relaxed and let her fleshy lip move and mould to my will was carnal. Stung me low. I craved to taste that mouth so bad my heart hurt.

  Closer again, until my chest was against hers, my stomach, hips. Warmth pooled between us. A needy current of desire. Her gaze held fast to mine. Anticipating. My fingers swept up her arms to her nape where I then cupped her cheeks. So damn gorgeous. Face nearer, my lips close to hers.

  Hannah gasped and pulled away. Shook her head. Her breaths were heavy. Eyes panicked. ‘No,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t.’

  ‘I get it,’ I said. Fucking idiot, Bear. I wanted to slap myself in the head for moving too quickly. For moving at all. I was leaving in six months. How could I do this to her? She’d been through enough. She didn’t need Mr fucking Hormonal stepping in the moment Allister was out of the picture. I was a prick. A horny, presumptuous prick. My lips twisted. ‘I’m sorry, Hannah. That was so very wrong.’

  She pressed a hand to her chest, her shoulders rolling in as though she was in pain. ‘I just can’t …’

  ‘I know. I know, Hannah, believe me I fucking know. I’m sorry.’ And I did know. Too well. How the mere thought of being handed the possibility of more pain was too much. The fear of opening up and letting yourself be vulnerable again was overwhelming.

  She shook her head and jogged from the room. I let her go. Hannah needed time and I had gone and trod all over it.

  I gathered my tools and left without saying goodbye.

  I held my phone under the dinner table, away from Bec’s curious glances. I punched out a quick text and sent it to Hannah. It said, ‘I’m sorry’. I hit send and shoved the phone back in my pocket.

  ‘What’s wrong with you?’ asked Bec as she cut into her piece of steak.

  I shook my head. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘You’ve been moping from the moment you walked in the door. You’ve barely eaten dinner.’

  I shrugged.

  ‘Is it about that girl?’

  ‘No. Mind your own business,’ I snapped.

  Bec clicked her tongue and scowled. ‘Gosh. Don’t get all shitty with me. I was just asking.’

  Guilt settled in my guts like a heavy weight. Bec didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of this. ‘I’m sorry. Just got some stuff going on at work. It’s stressing me out a bit, that’s all. And don’t swear.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘I’m nearly eighteen, Bear. Surely I can say shit.’

  ‘When you’re eighteen you can do what you want. Until then …’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah.’

  I opened my mouth to speak, but my phone vibrated. My heart sped up. I pulled it from my pocket and read the text.

  Hannah: I wanted you to kiss me and that scared the hell out of me. But don’t be sorry because of my issues. I need time to pull myself together again.

  And time was something I couldn’t give her. I knew that, and still I persisted. From now on, I would be there as a friend. Only a friend. Because I knew we could never be anything more.

  So, why did that hurt me so much?

  Me: Have all the time you need. I’m here for you as a friend.

  Hannah. Thank you. For everything.

  I pushed the phone back into my pocket and cut into my steak.

  ‘Who was that?’ asked Bec.

  I shook my head. ‘Who was what?’

  She smiled. ‘Who were you texting secretly there?’

  I grinned at her, my cheeks warm. ‘A friend.’

  Bec laughed. ‘Oooh, a friend,’ she cooed.

  ‘Eat your dinner.’

  Chapter 21

  Hannah

  I unpacked my laptop, plugged it in at the dining table and fired it up. I knew what I had to do now. What I had to write. I flicked the jug on to boil while my computer performed some upgrades, hanging for my first cup of tea for the day. I grabbed out a mug and teabag, and when the jug whistled, poured boiling water in my cup along with some milk. Warm tea in hand, I sat in front of my computer.

  After Bear left yesterday, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. He was like a niggling little ache in my belly. I sought distraction from my incessant thinking and finally had the guts to open Gran’s diary. Once I started reading, I couldn’t stop.

  Gran’s words were in my thoughts when I woke this morning. They rung through my head like endlessly peeling bells. Gran’s story was in my veins, begging for an outlet. All the answers to my questions were in that diary. By writing a book about her life, I would be able to fulfil that final unchecked point on her bucket list. I owed her at least that.

  I opened up my word processing software and typed. My fingers fluttered over the keyboard with urgency. When a story wanted to be written, it sat up and screamed it to the world. How could I ignore that? I couldn’t. And I wasn’t.

  Dreaming of Life

  By Hannah Boyd

  Chapter 1

  Jocelyn Boyd’s life began on 1 January 2006. No she wasn’t born on that day. She was, in fact, forty-nine years old. Daughter of a coal miner and homemaker, she dreamed of travelling the world, but instead, after an ordeal that could be described by most as a moment of ‘dubious consent’, she ended up a mother at sixteen and coerced into a marriage she didn’t want. Either that or she would have been forced to give up her child. And Jocelyn would never have allowed that to happen.

  From the moment she felt the flutter of tiny feet deep in her womb, her world pivoted on its axis and began to circle her child rather than the sun. And that way it remained. Never changing. At least until she became a grandmother and instead of circling one child, she now circled two.

  It would seem that Jocelyn had lived before 1 January 2006, but on deeper inspection it was irrefutable that she hadn’t. She had floated along like a mechanical doll doing what others demanded of her. First her parents, her school teachers, then her husband.

  She found a job at the local hospital cleaning. She did what was expected of her by her employer. She filed her taxes. She dressed appropriately. She acted how society demanded a young mother and wife to act. Hardly living.

  But her dream to one day live, never left her. One day Jocelyn would see the world and the meagre savings she stole away each week would ensure that.

  But 2006 was a long way off, and she had a lot to deal with before then. And by the time she did wake up on that hot, sunny morning of January 1, she was either stronger for her suffering, or weaker, depending on if you are an optimist or realist.

  You see, Jocelyn Boyd didn’t marry a good man. He was a good father, she’d concede that much, but he wasn’t a good man. But, in order to survive one’s circumstances, sometimes things like that were difficult to admit. It would take a tragedy years into the future to solidify that unquestionable fact in her mind—she
married a bastard.

  Later in the afternoon, I dragged myself away from the computer and took Penny for a walk along the beach. I came home and threw together a plate of cheeses ready to take to Natalie’s barbeque before heading to my room to get ready.

  I showered and changed into my new dress. I blow-dried and straightened my hair how the hairdresser had told me, and applied bright red lipstick. Taking a deep breath, I peered at the result in the mirror. Not half bad. But a gentle fluttering of nerves still lingered in my belly. I wasn’t comfortable about wearing lipstick yet, nor such a tight, revealing dress. But I had to remind myself that these feelings belonged to the squashed Hannah, not my authentic self.

  I smoothed my hand along my stomach. Soft with a feminine roundness. I had never been thin, but I once had such confidence in my body. Until I met Allister. I held my head up higher. That was going to change. With the help of my little permissions, I would find that certainty again.

  I timed it so I wasn’t the first to arrive at the barbeque. A night among grown-ups was what I needed, especially now that Allister was no longer watching my every move. And it would be great to know some of the other residents in town. Besides, I’d been relying on Bear too much, which wasn’t smart. Where would I be in six months’ time when he left? I’d be back at square one.

  Natalie’s rented house was a small fibro rectangle, metres from the beach. In fact, as she led me out onto the back deck, I saw that the beach was her backyard.

  ‘Wow,’ I said, mouth agape.

  She grinned wide. ‘I know, right? The house is tiny, and I need my brother to help pay the rent, but this view is endless.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ I whispered, spellbound.

  The breeze blew right off the water and cooled my skin. The waves were like a rhythmic song as they crashed one after the other against the shore. I never got this in inner-city Melbourne.

  Four guests had already arrived, sitting around a large outdoor table. The deck was enormous, extending the length of the house and made of solid stained timber. Fairy lights weaved through the railings and winked like stars emerging in the darkening sky.

  I placed my cheese platter next to a bowl of chips and some dips. Natalie gestured I take a seat across from Bear, then introduced me to the other guests. All up, three girls and three guys. One couple—Jasmine and Daniel, and with myself and Natalie aside, that left Bayden, the police officer who patrolled my house last night, and Bear. Nat winked at me as I took my seat. I understood her motivation then—she was trying to set me up with Bear. Little did she know.

  Nat offered me a glass of wine; I obliged.

  I hadn’t seen Bear since our near-kiss yesterday. I found it hard to meet his gaze. When I glanced up at him, he was already looking at me. He smiled. I smiled back, but it was shaky. Those dimples and that long kissable mouth. His gorgeous green eyes. That body. God. I felt so silly now. I should have just let him kiss me. I wanted him to. My body was screaming at me. A first kiss was on my bucket list. I put it there for a reason. As a way to live a little and leave Allister in my past where he belonged. But the nerves took me over. The fear to move on had raised its head and snarled so loud I could hear nothing else.

  Jasmine, with cocoa skin and spiralled hair leant closer to me. ‘Where have you moved here from, Hannah?’

  ‘Melbourne.’

  ‘That’s a long way to come,’ said Daniel, who was seated across from Jasmine, next to Bear. He was tall and lanky with dark blue eyes.

  ‘Yeah, it’s quite a change.’

  ‘So why move to Mercy Island?’ asked Jasmine.

  I swallowed a mouthful of wine before answering. ‘My Grandma bequeathed me her house. I took it as an opportunity for a new start.’ I glanced at Bear and Bayden, knowing they both knew the deeper story. But they politely smiled at my more acceptable version of the truth.

  ‘And how do you know Natalie?’ asked Bayden.

  Natalie jumped in. ‘We used to play together when she’d visit her Grandma in the holidays. I used to live two houses up.’

  ‘And I hear you know Bear already,’ said Daniel.

  I laughed. ‘Yes. We had a strange introduction.’

  I told them about my roof leak, then the ceiling cave in. I avoided the real introduction where I fell flat on my face onto the burning road.

  ‘You must have done a good job then, Bear, if Hannah hired you to renovate the rest of her house,’ said Daniel elbowing him in the ribs.

  ‘I do my best.’ He looked at me as he said that and the smile fell from his face. I shifted in my chair.

  ‘Don’t be so modest,’ said Natalie, then directed her focus to me. ‘And don’t let his age fool you. He’s the best in town. He’s won a truck load of building awards.’

  My eyes widened. ‘Really?’

  Bear shrugged, looking down at the table. ‘No big deal.’

  I watched his lips as he spoke and frowned as regret washed over me. I should have just kissed him.

  Chapter 22

  Bear

  Friends? Being ‘friends’ was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done. That freakin’ dress; it stole away my willpower. All my hours of telling myself that when I left this town, Hannah would be but a memory burned in flames the moment she walked through the door. Once again my brain relocated lower, as it seemed to do when Hannah was around.

  ‘So Hannah’s Grandma was Jocelyn Boyd,’ said Natalie.

  ‘Oh right,’ said Daniel.

  ‘Did everyone in town know my Grandma?’ asked Hannah with a grin.

  ‘It’s Mercy Island,’ said Jasmine. ‘Everyone knows everyone.’

  Bayden laughed. ‘Believe me, that took some getting used to when I first moved here.’

  ‘You’re not a local?’ asked Hannah.

  He shook his head. ‘Nope. I was transferred here after my police training about twelve months ago.’

  ‘And what do you think of the place?’

  He grinned wide. ‘I love it. I don’t want to leave.’ He reached behind Daniel and slapped me on the back a couple of times, chuckling. ‘Unlike this big fella. He can’t wait to see the back of this place.’

  I wanted to groan. But it’s what I’d been telling them all for the last few years, not their fault for bringing it up.

  ‘Sometimes when a person has lived their entire life in the same place, they just don’t realise how good they have it,’ said Bayden.

  ‘Hear hear,’ said Daniel, raising his beer bottle in the air. ‘Here’s to being stuck on Mercy Island and loving it.’

  Alright for them. They hadn’t been trapped their entire lives. They had great memories of this place. All I saw when I looked back was heartache, pain and darkness. Who wouldn’t want to turn their back on that? Who wouldn’t want to escape from their prison?

  Sure I loved the ocean. It was cathartic. My place of solitude and tranquillity. Always had been. But nothing else about this town vivified me, except the thought of leaving it behind.

  I peered up at Hannah as we all chimed our bottles and glasses together. Seeing her blue eyes shining with humour, I realised I was wrong. Something else about this town did vivify me. Her. But she came too late. My mind was already made up.

  ‘How about you guys get the grill going, while us girls head inside and make some cocktails?’ said Natalie.

  They exited in a flurry of colour and excited shrills. Natalie hadn’t changed since I knew her as a kid. Always energetic and happy.

  I went to the barbeque and lifted the lid. ‘So who’s taking charge of this barbeque?’

  Daniel lifted both arms up. ‘She’s all yours.’

  ‘I burn everything,’ said Bayden.

  I laughed as I lit the grill. ‘I guess it’s me then.’

  The guys brought out trays of steak and sausages and when the plate was hot enough, I laid them on the grill. The smell was fantastic, tickling my appetite. The sliding door to the house opened and I turned thinking it was the girls, but Natalie’s older b
rother, Graeme, came bustling out.

  ‘Hi, one and all,’ Graeme said. He shut the door and lowered his voice to a dull roar. ‘Holy shit. That chick in the blue dress is smoking fucking hot.’

  ‘She has a name,’ I said, a little more harshly than I intended.

  ‘Oh yeah. I introduced myself to Hannah. Don’t you worry about that, Teddy Bear. I think I’d like to get to know this girl a little better.’

  I gritted my teeth. Graeme was a meathead. Spent all his time between the gym and spreading venereal disease to anyone who’d give him a second glance. Turns out, that was a lot of women. But he was Nat’s brother and they lived together. Happy families and all that.

  The girls joined us again with enormous pink cocktails in their hands. Hannah came to my side and bounced her shoulder against mine. ‘Barbeque with a view.’

  I looked out beyond the verandah at the ocean glinting from the moonlight. It was a great view. I’m not sure I’d ever noticed. ‘Yeah. Not half bad.’

  ‘Not half bad at all. And that smells so good. I just realised I haven’t eaten since breakfast.’

  I eyed the size of her cocktail. Alcohol on an empty stomach. Not a good combination. I met her gaze. ‘Why haven’t you eaten?’

  She grinned wide and gave an excited squeal. ‘I’ve been writing.’

  I smiled as I raised a brow. ‘Have you now?’

  She nodded. ‘Yep. I started reading Gran’s diary last night. So many answers in there about what happened with her and Mum. Remind me to tell you about it later.’

  ‘So, Hannah,’ came Graeme’s boisterous voice, interrupting us. My grip tightened around the tongs I was using to turn the sausages. She spun to face him and I wanted to punch him in his big meathead.

  He softened his voice and gave it a flirtatious edge. ‘Where’d you move from?’

  Hannah politely smiled. ‘Um. Melbourne.’

  ‘City chick, hey?’

  She scoffed, but with humour. ‘Hardly. This is more my style I think.’

  ‘Good to know,’ he said. ‘It’s nice having a new face in town.’

  ‘Yeah, someone who hasn’t had the pleasure of your tiny dick,’ I muttered through gritted teeth, though loud enough for Hannah to hear.